Pizza time: part one by isaac robson

May 2, 2019

Pizza: the ultimate origin of all that is right with the universe, a body of celestial positive energy for all to enjoy. Adding a topping? Go ahead. Circle, square or triangle? Your choice. Pizza is the source of all joy in the ever expanding cosmos, the wellspring of all things good, righteous and just. It’s not just a food, it’s a lifestyle, a state of being, a “slice” of heaven.

I’m Isaac Robson, the professional pizza man. I’ve travelled the globe in search of the perfect combination of cheese, sauce, and crust. In this mini-series of articles, I’ll be trekking across the state and potentially beyond in search of the closest piece of digestible glory in East Providence.

How can one rank the lovely shard of elysium that is pizza? It is no small feat, but with my high tier system which has been in development since the late 50’s, I believe that I will be entirely able to show you the best pizza in all the land. The system consists of heavy analysis of every part of the pizza, from the sauce’s density and taste, the amount and type of cheese, the crunchiness of the crust and much more. The pizzas being reviewed will all be from “real” pizzerias, so all chain restaurants like Dominoes or Papa Gino’s will not be included in this series. Whether it can be delivered or not will also not be taken into account; although it does make the pizza going experience a little more relaxed and convenient, the best pizzas are the ones which have you come to them, not the other way around.

But enough about me, let’s just bite into this first pizza.


All pizzas will be plain cheese for the control variable, and because the same toppings can taste different in different restaurants!


Restaurant: Town Pizza, 949 Willett Ave, Riverside, RI, 02915


Cheese/Sauce ratio- 3.5-4/1

Time to prepare & deliver to table- 15-20 minutes

Visual Appeal/ Cosmetics- 7/10


Density- 7/10 (5 being density to aim for)

Taste- 3/10


Density- 2/10 (5 being the density to aim for)

Taste- 6/10

Crust Analysis: Pretty stellar, 8/10


Restaurant atmosphere- 6/10

Cost: 9/10

Sizes: Small, Large


Final Verdict: The only real cons of this pizza is that the cheese flavor is a little hard to find, but other than that, definitely worth the wait time. I’d only recommend eating this if you haven’t yet and wanted to cross this pizza off whatever sort of list; otherwise, I think the run-of-the-mill cheese pizza from Domino's would be only a bit more satisfying due to a more impactful taste. Don’t be fooled, though, this pizza is definitely worth a try.

Overall Rating: A 6/10, not bad, but not the holy grail of pizza.

Songs of the Week: “What If I’m Hurt Again” by Garrett Williamson. This track is more closely related to the hits of the 80’s-90’s than the pop songs of modern day artists. It has jump-up-and-dance kind of beat that you could definitely enjoy if you were sitting in your car with the roof down while whipping down the highway at unlawful speeds. Definitely a song that everyone at the prom could get down to.

Rate: seven black holes out of negative pi

Beat Oven of the Week: Wiegenlied, Op. 49, No. 4 (Arr. for Cello and Piano) by Johannesburg Brahms